Found out today that my ex is in jail for Domestic Violence!! Apparently he got drunk, got angry at his new girlfriend for something and lost it. He tore up her house and yes it is her house because he was homeless when he started dating her and then moved in with her. He broke a sliding glass door...wrecked furniture. I swear I am so glad it wasn't me having to go through that again but I admit I do feel bad for her. I hope she is smarter than me and moves on NOW!!!! Don't believe his lies he will blame the alcohol he will say baby I am soooo sorry I realize I messed up and it will never happen again. LIES!!! LIES!!! at the rate he is going you may not survive the next episode!! I apparently was the lucky one. The first girl he dated after me he sent to the hospital and now this. When we were together he at least kept his crazy destructive force localized to one room. But the whole house...OMG I am definitely going to pray for her...and hope the system doesn't let him loose so easily this time....
I think I might start doing weekend trip every weekend i am off from work. I have always loved car trips. One of the few fun things we used to do was just get up on a Sunday morning (back in the day when we both worked so i didn't have to work two jobs) and say hey lets go somewhere. well where ya wanna go? I don't know lets just get in the car and drive. (sigh) that was one of the good memories....
so this weekend I decided to drive back to my old hometown and visit some relatives and my best friend. So i loaded up my lab Anya (she has become my traveling buddy) and off we went it was great until we got close to our destination. The minute we hit the city limits I thought I was gonna lose my lunch. All of a sudden I had a funny feeling in my stomach and I became a nervous wreck. I thought I saw my ex-husband everywhere. Every red truck (he drives a red Chevrolet) caused my pulse to race and my heart to pound. Oh my goodness i thought what if he just happens to drive by me. What if one of his friends sees me. The feeling never went away the whole weekend. The first night I spent with my aunt and I was ok after an hour or so. I mean surely he doesn't drive by her house especially since he lives on the other side of town. (i am guessing because I have no idea where he lives but my aunt lives in a very nice neighborhood so I just figured he wasn't too near by) Driving to my best friends house the next day though made me extra nervous because I had to take a route that I had taken every time I went from my aunts house to home. The odds of passing him here were slightly higher. I needed to go to walmart but I went to her house first and made her drive and go in with me just in case we ran into anyone i knew. The weekend ended up passing with no sightings (other than the ones in my head) but that sick feeling never left me till I was a good 4 hours away and almost to my now home. Obviously leaving town was the best thing because I couldn't imagine having to feel that way everyday. Sad for my best friend but I think it will be awhile before I make that trip again. TTFN
Spent the weekend in Texas visiting my mom, sister in law and some friends that I have known practically all my
life but haven't seen in 20 years. It was great to just get in my car and go. No drama,no fighting,no nothing but
and the road. Going on trips with him were usually ok if we were going to see his family or somewhere he wanted
to go but god forbid it was somewhere i was excited about because he would make me miserable the whole way.
resulted in me never asking to go anywhere. I finally am getting used to being alone and loving it. I have no one to
bring me down and nothing to hold me back. Well, other than my job but I can work around that easily. I plan on
spending more time traveling back and forth to Texas to keep seeing the most wonderfull, supportive people and
family anyone could ask for. I finally think I am realizing that my life is my own and I can do anything I want with it. My decisions are mine and my life belongs to me again. It is awesome to feel so great about everything.
blood,sweat and tears
I give it all and yet you want more
endless bouts of insanity
doing the same thing over and over
and expecting different results
that's not enough
give me more
walk on fire
swim through ice
I want your life!
for what end
to what satisfaction
do we put ourselves
we lie, we hide, we pretend
in automatic synchronization
it is a world of equilibrium dreams
alice through the looking glass
the Red Queen never
have to do it
follow the rules
live by the decisions
who will perish
who will survive
not by our rules
but by Bad Wolf's
the wolves are coming
they are crawling up from inside
how much longer
should we abide?
Haven't been here in awhile. I have basically been working 100 hours a week and by the time I get home I am so fried I can't even sleep. But things at the store are going great. Customers love us and are full of compliments. And my staff is wonderfull. Fixen to get ready for Christmas and just found out we are encouraged to wear costumes the week of halloween so yay that will be fun. And apparently the company has a contest for the best halloween and christmas displays... so excited about that..it will be so much fun and I am determined to win :-) On a side note apparently my husband has a new girlfriend and she tried to friend me on Facebook...not understanding the motivation on that one but then I am not the kinda person that would wanna friend my new boyfriends wife lol. Also he is apparently living with her and her two sons. I wish him all the best but after everything that has happened I must say that I feel sorry for those poor kids. Hopefully she will be smart and the first time he shows his true colors she will get the heck out of dodge. Mostly I am glad that it is her and not me that is taking care of him now. Who knows maybe it will work out and he will be better with her than he was with me. After all I don't wish him ill will I just got tired of being treated like dirt when I knew I deserved more. Anyway I am tired and I gotta be back at work at 7 am so later gators. In 8 days i get to take a mini vaca to New Orleans and I am so ready to have some rest and relaxation :-)
I hadn't been here in a bit I thought I would check in. My depressive mood has passed for now altho I know it is a matter of time before the train starts it's inevitable race down the tracks but I started this blog to keep me sane and to help me through the moments where I think I will lose my mind. The thing I think I have to accept is that I might very well lose my mind several times before I work through everything that I have been through. I have spent the last 11 years pretending that the person I loved was someone else I mean really what else can you say about that.
It is like living a nightmare but pretending that the fairy tale is just a little off. I made plans to raise children and grow old with someone who didn't exist. To admit that something wasn't right was in fact to admit to myself what the rest of the world already knew. My life was a lie. Everyday wishing that this would be the day, the day where he realized how cruel he was. How all he had to do was love me and everything else would work itself out. So I prayed and almost everyday he broke my heart. I say almost beause we did have some good times there just weren't enough of them to cancel out the bad times.
So I get sad when I think about how I wanted something so badly that I was willing to compromise everything else including the truth. Love shouldn't be like that. Love should free you. Love should make you feel like you are on top of the world even when you are not. It sucks but I will get through it because I have no choice I can't get those 11 years back but I can decide to live the rest of my life wiser and stronger because of it. So I am gonna have bad days and good days but at least they are real and not some lie I tell myself. We can't help who we love...Baby steps......
Previous PostsThe Cycle continues, posted November 28th, 2012
my weekend adventures, posted October 16th, 2011, 1 comment
A wonderfull weekend, posted September 26th, 2011
something i wrote, posted August 25th, 2011
Drama, posted August 11th, 2011
Baby Steps...., posted July 17th, 2011
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